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Starbucks Tried To Make Something Mexican And Completely Blew It

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A couple days ago I saw Starbucks promoting their new Spicy Chorizo, Monterey Jack & Egg Breakfast Sandwich, and I immediately said, 'Nope.'

With my luck, the big bossman at Foodbeast said to me today, "Hey, Izz. Why don't you go over to Starbucks and try the new chorizo sandwich for a story."

Aww, damn it.

Disclaimer: PLEASE DO NOT LET THIS BE YOUR FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH CHORIZO. YOU WILL BE LEFT UNIMPRESSED, AND NEVER WANT TO TRY THE REAL, SPICY, FLAVORFUL MEXICAN GOODNESS.

... now back to the regularly scheduled story.

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So, I reluctantly shuffled over to the Starbucks next door to the Foodbeast office and ordered this sandwich that essentially had, "I will ruin your day," written all over the menu board.

I'm not exactly well-seasoned in Starbucks culture, but one thing that has been engraved into my head, by my fellow coworkers no less, is that the coffee shop's attempts at food are usually god-awful. It makes sense. At the end of the day, it's still fast food, like, don't try to sell me on a brisket sandwich that's been sitting in packaging all day, Starbucks.

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The friendly barista assured me that the new sandwiches were good and she had been eating them almost every day, so that made me feel a little better.

I got back to the office, took out the sandwich, and the chorizo consists of some kind of reddish sausage patty. That's definitely not what I expected. I guess it makes sense instead of crumbly chorizo, but I didn't even know chorizo patties existed.

The rest of the sandwich consists of Monterrey Jack cheese, caramelized onions and egg inside a potato bread bun.

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It does not taste like chorizo. It tastes like some half-assed, white-washed semi-spicy sausage patty.

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It's not as gross as I thought it would be, it's just not really chorizo.

I made the boss try it since he made ingest this sad excuse for Mexican food. He was not impressed either.

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Oh, yeah. They have some other Mexican-ish spicy sandwich on the menu. I didn't even ask what it was, I just said, 'Give me both of the new items,' and walked away, ready for the worst. Apparently, it's an Ancho-Chipotle Chicken Panini with shredded chicken in ancho-chipotle sauce, fire-roasted Poblano peppers, red onions, Gouda cheese and a spicy cilantro pesto stuffed inside a ciabatta roll.

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Anything that's that mushy should not be sold to the public, but at least this one had some kind of kick to it.

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"What is this, like, carnitas?"-Evan Lancaster

Nope. Apparently, that's chicken, my dear sweet Evan.

Ok, so neither sandwich is that great, honestly. It feels like Starbucks was scared to feed the masses something that actually tasted like chorizo. If they thought the public wasn't ready for chorizo, they should have just shelved it instead of poppin' off some bootleg version.

If you absolutely need to eat something and Starbucks is your saving grace, I pray for your soul and hope you don't have the chest pains I'm feeling while writing this sentence.