That's according to a new study released by the University of Alabama at Birmingham, which debunked popular myths about sex as a major calorie burner. The study concluded that the perception of sex as a fat-burning athletic activity was based around sexcapades lasting an hour or more, but that's not the reality of most American sex lives. Brace yourselves for the truth, people: Americans have sex for "an average time span of six minutes per sexual encounter."
That's pretty depressing, and it only gets worse. Those six minutes only burn 21 calories. To put that in perspective: you burn twenty-five calories in ten minutes just by standing up. Your grandma burns fifty-five calories by knitting for half an hour, and most of those calories are from yelling at her grandkids to find her dentures.
True, having sex for half an hour would burn more calories than knitting would. But grandma's knits and purls have a stamina that the average American's sex life just can't match. Long after your six minutes are up and you're lying in a shameful pool of spent fluids and sexual exhaustion, she'll still be clicking her needles together and daydreaming about all the awesome sex marathons she had back in the day that put our mere six minutes to shame.