The only activity that comes close to the satisfaction of cooking and eating is simply talking about food. Honestly, just discussing food—or hearing someone else do it—hits the spot in a strange, beautifully rewarding way. It doesn’t even have to be during an in-person conversation. We’re ready to adore poems about food, read essays about food, flip through magazines about food, but, most of all, hear comedians joke about food.
It’s true. In fact, it doesn’t even have to be a flattering observation about food. It can be a savage takedown of certain kinds of diners, restaurant chains, or culinary trends. While there’s a lot we love about food, there is totally a lot to laugh at—eating poorly when we know it’s bad for us, eating differently around our crushes, or even just trying to cook a simple meal and it going terribly wrong.
So let’s serve up some of our absolute favorite stand-up bits about food, covering everything from fast food shame to the weird way we go about grocery shopping. Seriously, what better way is there to burn off calories from cooking and eating all that food?
“Hot Pockets” - Jim Gaffigan
"I was looking at a box of Hot Pockets. They have a warning printed on the side. It says, 'WARNING: You just bought Hot Pockets. Hope you're drunk or heading home to a trailer, you hillbilly. Enjoy the next NASCAR event."
“Cooking” - Maria Bamford
"People always say how easy it is to cook, but it is not any easier than not cooking.”
“Blue Food” - George Carlin
"Where the hell is the blue food? Every other color is represented."
“KFC” - Patton Oswalt
"Can you take all those food items and pile them in a single bowl for me and I'll just eat them like a Death Row prisoner on suicide watch?"
“Eating Around Men” - Iliza Shlesinger
"When you first meet a guy that you like, you can't eat the way you want to on a date. You can't. You can't have that fourth plate of ribs on a date… I found out.”
“Pickle Juice” - Hannibal Buress
"I don't like throwing out the pickle juice. It just feels wasteful. So lately I've been dipping my fingers in the pickle juice and then I flick it on my sandwiches for flavor.”
"Cheddar Bay Biscuits" - Kyle Kinane
"It should come as no surprise when I tell you that I belong to the Facebook fan page for Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits… for obvious reasons.”
"Fig Newtons" - Brian Regan
"I looked at the serving size — two cookies. Who the hell eats two cookies? I eat Fig Newtons by the sleeve."
“Burger King” - Dane Cook
"First job I had? Burger King. My brother got me the job, too. My brother got me the job. He was the manager and he got me the job. You would think that would be cool, because he was my bro. But he was a dick. He thought he was the Burger King!"
“Airline Food” - Ellen Degeneres
"[Flight attendants] have this attitude, and they can afford to have the attitude, because they have the power. They have the peanuts. They have these six peanuts that we need.”
“McDonald’s” - Jim Gaffigan
"It's fun telling people you go to McDonald's. They always give you that look like, 'Oh, I didn't know I was better than you.'"
“Supermarket Experience” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Food is so complicated as an adult. You see people in the supermarket, just sweating it out. Nobody knows, ‘What do I eat?’ The protein, the carbs, the fat content; oh my god, fat content. Just walking up to each other, ‘What are you eating? Maybe I’ll eat that.’ The whole supermarket itself is designed to break down your sense of having any life outside the supermarket. It’s like a casino.”