Subway Addresses $5 Footlong Controversy in this Hilariously Fake Onion Report

Turns out anyone trying to get healthy off Subway sandwiches was doing it wrong this entire time. The Onion fictitiously reports that Subway executives meant for the popular $5 footlong special to be split among two people. In fact, they’re in downright disbelief that anyone can tackle a footlong sub all on their own. Who does that, right?

The sandwich chain states that they’re “deeply sorry” if customers were led to believe eating an entire 12-inch sandwich was healthy for them. It was never meant to. In response to angry patrons, Subway modified their marketing strategy, clearing up any misconceptions that a footlong was meant for a single person in one sitting.

Check out the hilarious piece of satire below and you’ll never eat a $5 footlong again. No, you probably will.