It’s that time of year again! Before you get ready to sit down and discover which of your favorite white people will take home an Oscar, let’s take a peek at what they’ll be noshing on after ceremony. This year’s Governor’s Ball is catered by none other than Chef Wolfgang Puck and we have the exclusive menu.
To start off the after party, you’ll find the likes of Meryl Streep enjoying some brie or cottage cheese on table water crackers. Gruyere and ricotta will also be ready to spread themselves onto these delicate crackers, blending right in with the hands eager to devour them.
Here’s where things get serious. Brad Pitt’s mouth is already watering thinking about the unseasoned, shredded, boiled chicken resting between two layers of mayonnaise and fluffy, untoasted slices of Wonder Bread (no crusts, of course). A mountain of mashed potatoes piled high like the consistently un/derfunded and overlooked films by people of color will be drowned in butter, much like the voices of the disenfranchised.
Naturally, to wash this all down, guests will receive a cold glass of milk so their bones can continue to be strong while their will to lift up voices of those who are unlike them continues to soften.
Finally, two scoops of vanilla ice cream will be presented to people like Sir Michael Caine in the finest crystal bowls. The ice cream will be topped with swirls of homemade whipped cream, leaving guests almost as dizzy as their statement backtracking and pseudo-apologies to entire communities of people. For that extra crunch, a vanilla wafer will adorn the sweet treat like a protest stake without a sign.
Chris Rock better bring hot sauce in his bag (swag).
*Note: This is a satirical article addressing #OscarsSoWhite. The writer is aware that the Academy Awards are simply the final cog in the film industry machine that constantly (consciously or not) undermines, undervalues, or ignores the creative works of people of color, women, LGBTQIA+ individuals, and the differently abled. But that doesn't mean they shouldn't be shamed for casting aside performances like Idris Elba's, Oscar Issac's and Michael B. Jordan's or films like Dope or Straight Outta Compton while rewarding Eddie Redmayne for playing a trans character.
The menu includes a raw bar that clocks in at 2,600 pounds of Maine lobster, whole yellowtail, oysters, shrimp, and Atlantic Bigeye tuna. Perennial favorites like baked potato with caviar and black truffle-laced chicken pot pie will circulate among the guests, along with portions of wagyu short rib with cauliflower purée, taro root taco, and dover sole with sweet potato and chile.