Last year we learned what happened when an anonymous girl jumped on Tinder and posed as a cheeseburger cleverly named Patty. She used the profile to determine which characteristics men most often displayed in conversations with her: hungry or horny?

It turns out that they were all a little bit of both! Which got me thinking, ‘How would girls respond if they were being hit on by, oh I don’t know…a glass of wine, perhaps?’

So I did the next logical thing…

I signed up for Tinder:

Since I’m just a glass of wine and don’t have fingers (woe is me), I had my friend Sean Fahmy help me out by typing my responses for me.

Some girls loved the idea of opening up to a glass of wine. Some didn’t care much for what I said, they were just excited to be talking to alcohol. A surprising number completely ignored me altogether (hey, more me for me!). Some marveled at the fact that a charming yet perverted little glass of wine could talk, while others took all of my liquid advances in stride, even volleying back a few clever lines here and there.

I also used a few lines more than once. There are only so many puns about my people that I can come up with, and EVERY SINGLE GIRL swiped right on me, leaving me with over 300 matches in two days. Normally I would have made my way into all of their hearts and bellies, but Sean keeps “wining” about his fingers hurting from typing so much. Dude is acting like a real box of wine. BE LESS SQUARE, BRO.

The Ladies

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Clearly some of these girls already had some of me before they started Tindering.