Why Cubed Ice Is — and Always Will Be — Better Than Crushed
Last week, my editor (a “crushed ice” person) asked me to write an opinion piece on crushed vs. cubed ice. And while I set out to take the old facetious route a la April’s Tabasco vs. Sriracha debate, upon further reflection, I’ve realized doing so would a crime, an insult, an affront not only to myself but to the millions of other ice-rs out there who know the truth.
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Crushed
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Ice
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F@#king
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Sucks.
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It’s awful.
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Seriously, how are there people out there who like this stuff?
I mean, sure it’s smaller than cubed, which means it cools drinks down faster.
But you know what else it does?
That’s right, it dilutes. It dilutes drinks down like a mother-f@#ker.
It’s like, I’m sorry, did I order my Coke topped with a layer of tears and sadness?
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Did I ask for diet-diet Mint Julep?
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And speaking of the myriad states of water being places they’re not wanted, why do you keep trying to get all up in my straw, crushies? Clogging sh*t, stopping me from getting my drank on?
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Really crushed ice, would you please just
G
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T
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F
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O
Picthx amanky
The only thing crushed ice is good for is cooling down water.
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Chewing, occasionally.
Maybe diluting drinks that need to be diluted anyway, like too-sweet Cherry Limeades from Sonic. Or god-awful $1 Sauza margaritas.
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But let’s face it, crushed ice will never, ever even come close to beating cubed.
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You can’t make adorably geeky ice cubes with it.
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You can’t stick flowers in it.
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Heck, you can’t make even make proper cocktails with it, ones you’d actually want to taste. It’s called “on the rocks,” for a reason people, not “on the annoying watery pebbles.”
PicThx ReeseCLloyd
Aw, but you like having something to chew on? Buy gum you weirdo. Eat more food, you freak.
Take your oral fixation elsewhere.
Because the fact of the matter is, Cubed Is and Always Will Be Better Than Crushed.
Class dismissed.
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H/T All the Facebook friends who contributed to my “research”, GifThx Giphy
