As a kid, I loved watching the '90s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. Who didn't? One of the things that stuck was all the ridiculous pizzas Michelangelo and his brothers would order throughout the series. As the years passed, I started to think some of those pizzas could actually be pretty delicious if done right. Though it did take a solid 22 years for anchovies to grow on me.
Like his Renaissance namesake, who would have thought Mikey was ahead of his time. Using some hunger-fueled imagination I recreated 24 of the most disgusting pizza orders from the TV show and turned them into something you could order at a restaurant. Cowabunga.
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Tuna fish, peanut butter and grape jelly
Tuna ahi poke on top of a bed of seaweed salad and drizzled some hot, melted peanut butter and grape jelly on top. Went more for color than taste. Ending up tasting great so that worked itself out.
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Peanut butter and clams
Drenched the pizza in a cajun peanut butter sauce with four fresh calms. The heat from the sauce really made the clams, no pun intended, pop. Crawfish for garnish.
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Peanut butter, avocado and extra pickles
A bed of guacamole topped with avocado slices, melted peanut butter and some sweet dill pickle chips. This is actually a sandwich I make on many an occasion.
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Marshmallow and pepperoni
Pepperoni and cheese pizza topped with roasted marshmallows. The marshmallows look like haunting little lifeboats on a sea of pepperoni.
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Marshmallow and asparagus
Asparagus and cheese baked directly into the crust and topped with toasted mini marshmallows. Had to many different versions of this one before I settled on this. Couldn't be happier.
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Guacamole and Marshmallow
A generous heap of freshly made guacamole and topped with a single marshmallow lit on fire. Kids, don't try this at home. Grownups, go nuts.
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Butterscotch, onions and anchovies
Onion and anchovies caramelized in brown sugar and a butterscotch sauce. Tasted great but stunk up my kitchen like nobody's business. Do turtles have nostrils?
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Tea and toast
A buttered slice of toast on top of tomato sauce and sprinkled with tea leaves, parmesan cheese and more tomato sauce. The original concept for this had chunks of toast drenched in tea. NOT. APPETIZING.
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Chocolate sprinkles and clam sauce
A cheese pizza made with a hearty clam sauce and chocolate sprinkles and garnished with green onions. Not easy to make clam sauce pop on a pizza. Had to tweak it into a chowder. Master Splinter would be proud.
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Chocolate-chip
Chocolate chips baked into the pizza and drenched with a generous amount of hot fudge. It's essentially a cookie.
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Chocolate fudge with extra garlic
A generous amount of fried garlic on top of a pool of melted chocolate fudge. Definitely not something you'd order on a first date, but then again, are any of these pizzas?
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Chocolate fudge, sardine, chili pepper, whipped cream
A cheese and whipped cream pizza topped with shaved chocolate fudge and red chili flakes. Served with a fried sardine filet in chocolate fudge sauce. Any nutrients that piece of sardine contains is neutralized by that mountain of whipped cream. I guarantee it.
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Anchovies and hot fudge
Hot chocolate fudge drizzled over anchovy filets on a sauceless white pizza. Until the day anchovies turn into giant mutated fish that eat people, they'll forever be my favorite fish.
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Pepperoni and hot fudge
A classic pepperoni and cheese pizza drizzled with a little chocolate fudge. Just a little. We're not animals.
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Pepperoni and pickles
Cheese and pepperoni pizza with sweet dill pickle chips. The pickles add a crunch that can be heard all through the New York sewer systems.
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Jelly bean and sausage
A spicy pork chorizo and sour cream pizza topped with queso fresco and fresh cilantro and served with a jalapeño jellybean gastrique. The jelly beans had us stumped but luckily Reddit came to the rescue.
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Salami pizza with double yogurt
Two servings of vanilla yogurt topped with fresh salami slices and drizzled with blackberry jelly. If you can get over the idea of salami and yogurt, it goes down pretty tastily.
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Shredded coconut and sweet pickles
Pizza is topped with shredded coconut, drizzled with hot mustard and topped with sweet pickle chips. Shredder would be a crazy handy guy to have in this situation.
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Strawberry with anchovy sauce
Caramelized strawberries served with an anchovy butter sauce and topped with whipped cream. This one was the most difficult to come up with. Thankfully, whipped cream saved the day.
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Hot oatmeal
Hot, buttery oatmeal topped with brown sugar, honey and fresh strawberries. It's another side to breakfast pizza.
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Popcorn
Truffle oil popcorn with parsley flakes and parmesan cheese. There's a pizza somewhere under that mountain of popcorn.
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Anchovies and banana
Caramelized rum bananas and anchovy filets. The pizza that inspired this post. The bananas and anchovies were the perfect balance of sweet and salty.
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Goulash
Hot goulash served with crumbles of queso fresco. After a quick Google search of what exactly goulash was, it was pretty easy to make.
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Granola and licorice
Vanilla yogurt topped with granola and shaved red licorice. It was a bitch to hand shred licorice, but doesn't it look pretty?
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Video for verification
