For some of us, the choosing of a wing sauce can be an agonizing process. For others, it’s as simple as stating a known, trustworthy preference. But no matter which category you fall into, your final selection basically tells your company everything they need to know about you as a human being – provided they have a proper understanding of sauce psychology, or that they’ve read my article. At any rate, here’s a quick guide to what those around you can learn about your character, according to each wing sauce you might choose.

Actually, You’ll Just Order The Burger – Go home. We’re here for wings and you’re not being a team player. You are cranky, unimaginative, dull, and soulless, and frankly I’m starting to feel good about the fact that not a drop of wing sauce will be wasted on your worthless pallet.

Mild – You’re agreeable enough, but ultimately you may be boring your friends due to your risk-averse, go-with-the-flow mentality. You’re the furthest thing from a natural leader, and unfortunately that probably gets you stuck doing things you don’t really want to do a lot of the time. Yup – you’re the one who does 80% of the work in the group project without calling anyone else out for being lazy. It was nice of you to come along, but we’re starting to get the feeling you’re just in it for the celery and carrot sticks. You probably don’t know who’s playing in the game we’re here to watch either.

Hot – Good for you. You know what you’re doing here, and you have enough experience to understand that the Habanero Madness option is just going to ruin your evening. You’re just the right mix of fun, bold, and exciting without being obnoxious to be around, and for that reason the people around you will probably always crave, or at least enjoy, your company. We’re going to get along.

Habanero Madness – This is a tricky one. If you order this because you have an unusually high tolerance for tongue-bursting spice, and you genuinely enjoy the extra kick, that’s fine – if you just order and eat. In that case, odds are you’re a little strange on the outside but a fascinating person for those who take the time to get to know you. On the other hand, if you sit at your end of the table saying the word “habanero” 47 times throughout the meal, and throw in a couple of “holy shit that’s hot!” exclamations, you’re a douchebag. Wing sauce reveals character in a subtle, quiet manner, but no one gives a fuck that you enjoy bathing your tongue in lava. And from now on, everything you say will seem like an exaggeration. We can’t wait to get away from you, and then talk shit about you.

Teriyaki – You’re the lovable goof of the group. Teriyaki wings are the ultimate “oops” order. You’ll love it for 1-3 wings’ worth, and then you’ll realize it’s all a little too sweet for dinner, and that no one restaurant’s teriyaki wings are better than another’s. But oh, well. You can shrug it off and do better next time.

Spicy Garlic – Well played, sir or lady. You’ve discovered that wings can be both spicy and flavored.  And, shock of all shocks, that’s who you are as a person. You do everything well, but also with your own special touch. You’re confident, effortlessly charming, and socially versatile. And you have a better feel than most for what you actually like.

Some Kind Of Caribbean Jerk Option – I mean, okay. If that’s what you want. You can’t really be judged because no one else at the table ordered this, and no one understands the psychology behind it. But if we had to venture a guess, you’re probably a little offbeat. You might be a little bit of a loner (the confident kind, though), and it’s a good bet you’re one of those people who manages to travel to South America 17 times a year despite not having a job yet out of college. Am I close? Can I… can I try one of those?

So there you have it. An indisputable, factually correct psych evaluation of wing sauce choice’s reflection on personal character.

Or at least, how I felt after my last trip to Buffalo Wild Wings.

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