When passenger Benjamin Golden, more commonly referred to by the general public (or maybe just me) as Shitstack O'Fiddlefucker, drunkenly attacked his Uber driver on Friday, October 30th, he didn't realize the ramifications his stupid actions had on the rest of us.
Benjamin "Cheesy Gordita Punch" Golden was a Senior Associate Brand Manager for Taco Bell, specializing in mobile commerce and innovation. In other words, he mainly worked on making the Taco Bell app as creative and engaging as possible.
However after the video surfaced of his aggressive tirade, he was immediately let go from Taco Bell, with a representative for the company saying, "Given the behavior of the individual, it is clear he can no longer work for us. We have also offered and encouraged him to seek professional help."
Edward Caban, the driver that had the sour misfortune of chauffeuring the belligerently drunk Dickcheese McAssclown, said that as soon as the 7-Layer Bastardo got in the car, he was immediately confrontational and uncooperative, even refusing to put on his seatbelt. When Caban would make a sharp turn, Idiotface would simply fall over in the backseat like a big pile of oranges in one of those red fishnet sacks that oranges are always sold in.
Eventually Caban had enough of this doofus and pulled over to kick him out. When Fartbag realized what was happening, he became infuriated and started swinging his fist around the driver's seat and into the right side of the driver's head.
Eventually Caban was able to grab his pepper spray and unload onto Jizz Magician's face, forcing him to finally leave the car and start walking away.
Shortly thereafter, the cops showed up and arrested him for assault and public intoxication.
I know what you're thinking. "Sean, why are you so mad at this guy? It's just one guy, with one story. What's the big deal?" Well, just like any other red-blooded American, I like to go out and party on the weekends. More often than not, I take an Uber home at the end of the night. That might all change for me and anyone else that uses the car service.
Since this story has become so popular, Uber drivers will likely start avoiding the late night shifts for fear that they run into someone like Queef Cookie and are attacked. Fewer drivers during peak hours means expensive surge pricing.
When Uber initially launched, many users were concerned with the seemingly terrifying proposition of entering a stranger's vehicle for a ride. Couple that latent fear with Uber's disregard for public opinion and their hands-off approach to the hiring process, and voila! You now have highly questionable drivers that can give birth to some seriously frightening stories.
It looks like the drivers now have more reason to be concerned about crazy passengers and less reason to drive. Thanks a lot, Fuck Knuckle.