I don’t want to graduate college, though it’s probably not for the reason you’re thinking. No, as exciting as the job market looks for journalism majors, the truth is, I just don’t want to sit through the ceremony. I have a whole mountain’s worth of things I would rather do than sit through that god-awful ceremony. (A relaxing day at Disneyland comes to mind, as does taxidermy. And bocce ball.)

Of course, when I brought the idea of skipping out up to my parents, they looked at me with such horror that I might as well have said I thought Tabasco tasted better than Sriracha.

So I decided to do something else about it. I decided to put a flask in my cap.

After four years, I’m sure the last thing anyone wants to do is bear another 2-hour long lecture, listening to speakers we couldn’t care less about, sitting next to classmates we’ve never met and probably won’t ever see again. I swear, every time someone mentions their “fear of the unknown” and “excitement for the future” and the possibility of “new opportunities,” a future Einstein or Mother Theresa out there dies. Seriously guys, stahp.

Luckily, the process for making this thing is painless enough. Just pop off the top button with a pair of pliers, Velcro in the bladder (I took mine out of the Wine Rack Bra), secure the whole mess with bobby pins and drink up.

There’s not much you can do about tedious (and, arguably, arbitrary) traditions. But hey, at least you won’t have to be all “there” to remember it.

DISCLAIMER: This is for graduates of legal drinking age.