So, your Sour Patch Kids addiction concerns your family and friends, who don’t understand that you can't quit anytime you want. If you’ve gotten tired of reminding them that you’re only hurting yourself, then we’ve bundled together all the tenuous logic you’ll need for a lifetime of denial. Go ahead, pop a couple Lemonheads that you can only hope will get rid of the shakes as you suck on these facts.
Prove Your Worth to Society
Many of the best conflict resolution strategies are invented on the playground. Determining who’s the toughest by seeing who can stand the most Warheads in their mouth at one time should be how we determine our next president.
Fight Fucking Cancer
Well, not directly. But sour candies like Lemon Drops are used by patients undergoing chemo and radiation therapy since it helps promote salivation. Many cancer medications also cause severe changes in taste, which sucking on Lemon Drops can help regulate.
Develop Strong Bones (to Crush Your Enemies)
Citric acid (i.e. the sour salt used in finishing tons of sour candies) can actually help your bones absorb calcium. This is because it easily bonds with minerals, helping your stomach to absorb nutrients AND SCIENCE.
There’s Nothing Like the Taste of Sour in the Morning
Pregnant women should keep some LemonHeads or other sour food stuffs near their nightstand, since this helps curb morning sickness. Unless you’re carrying Guy Fieri’s baby… then, you’re automatically sick no matter what you do.
Save Yourself From Heartache
A wise man once said that you can’t lose a game that you’re not in. With sour salt’s well-documented acidic properties, those Sour Patch Kids are actually playing a prank on your smile. Those gaps in your jagged grin will make it easier to spit out watermelon seeds, but not pick up the ladies. So at least you’ll never know heartbreak. But you will become progressively more interested in the thrilling world of professional wrestling with each tooth you lose.
Reward Your Sweet Tooth… If You Have Any Left
Portion control is a huge factor in effectively combating weight gain and, while only a tobacco lobbyist could successfully argue for candy’s beneficial effect on diets, the prepackaged servings of many sour candies can be a good outlet for your confectionary craving. Especially if you suck instead of chomping, these pungent little bits might be a sour-then-sweet cheat treat.