I was not going to spend Valentine's Day at home, in sweatpants, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. I was on my own Saturday, as all my friends are either in relationships or already had some sort of plans for the night. I felt so alone.
I had to do something, so I thought to myself, "Self, what do I love and would enjoy doing today?" Naturally, as any sane, single guy would do, I decided to take a burrito out on a date for Valentine's Day.
Burritos have never let me down. They've never judged me, rejected me, or left me. Burritos have always been perfect. Burritos are everything, or BAE for short.
So I took my baerrito out for the day. We hovered around all the lovely couples as they stared at us and discussed our love among themselves, surely envious of the fun we were having. We watched a movie, had a romantic walk at the Santa Monica pier, got silly in a photo booth. I even surprised my baby with a song I wrote just for her.
Here is my amazing experience with my burrito Valentine:
Picked Up My Baby
I could tell her dad was embarrassed of me, because her dad was a sweaty Mexican cook who handed me my date and gave a strange look when I whispered, "Hey there beautiful." I buckled her up, gave her a Valentine's rose and got things started.
50 Shades of Bae
I wanted to watch American Sniper, but I figured this movie would be more romantic. By the end of the movie, I really wish we had watched American Sniper.
'Rito Loved the Movie
As bad as I thought the movie was, I think my gorgeous 'Rito loved it because you can kind of see the stains of joy on the ticket stub. 'Rito probably got a little excited during the intimate scenes.
Romantic Walk on the Santa Monica Pier
The three hours of traffic and the search for parking was insane, but it was all worth it as I eventually sneaked in this tasty, sensual kiss.
Dreams of Ferris Wheel Selfie
We walked on the Santa Monica pier and watched all the love birds enjoying the night at Pacific Park. We wanted to go on the Ferris wheel and get a cute Ferris wheel selfie, but ain't nobody got time to wait in line for two hours. Lines aren't romantic. Maybe next time, with a girl, and not a burrito.
Shared a Dippin' Dot Float
Have you ever shared a Dippin' Dots float with a burrito? You get a lot of weird looks, such as the one from that young lady in the black sweater in the back. She just doesn't understand this kind of love.
'Rito Didn't Want to Get in the Water
She didn't feel comfortable going in the water. She said something about ocean water making her soggy or something, but we cuddled on the edge of the pier and creeped on a loving couple below.
The Confused Bouncer at Dave and Buster's
The bouncer at Dave and Buster's checked my ID then asked me why I was walking around with a burrito. I told him it was my Valentine's date and he somehow let me in anyway.
We played some arcade games and jumped in the photo booth. Little did I know that the photos are shown on a TV screen outside of the booth while the session is in progress. When I walked out, there were quite a bit of people giving me confused stares and laughing. Reminded me of high school.
I Wrote My Burrito a Song
It was a pretty long night, but we eventually got home around 2am. I was thinking what else I could do with my date that would inspire romance. So I serenaded my beautiful, carne asada-filled babe with a song I wrote on the spot. I call it, You Are My Only Baeritto.
Netflix to End the Night
We watched a movie to end the night. We originally wanted to watch Sleepless in Seattle, but we'd had enough of Seattle-based love stories with 50 Shades of Grey. So we watched this classic. The movie title immediately made me crave breakfast, and like, my date that night was food. So...
I Couldn't Help Myself
Before the night was over, I tore up that burrito. Tension had been building all night and I couldn't hold back any longer. I'm just a man. I have urges.
I Love You, Burrito
PicThx Cartoon Network
People called me crazy for having a burrito as my Valentine, but it was better than being home alone. Was it crazy? Probably. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Would I do it again? Let's just say it wasn't as great as going out with a real girl, although the burrito didn't complain once that night. That was nice.
I love you, burrito. Thank you for keeping me company this Valentine's Day.