Juice cleanses are pretty trendy. They’re also pretty controversial, as several people swear by them while others think they’re a complete hoax. I’ve done two juice cleanses in my life and I’m even still on the fence. But what is for certain is starting a juice cleanse sucks under any circumstances. Jesus could come down from heaven and personally wish you luck on your cleanse journey, but that still wouldn’t nearly be enough goodwill to get you through the first excruciating 24 hours. Especially because doing a juice cleanse properly also means eliminating coffee. Wild, I know.
If there’s anything I learned from my most recent, 3-day juice cleanse, it’s that the body gets really fucking weird when you starve it of the nutrients it has come to know and love. In total honesty, the cleanse does become easier with every day and you do feel pretty great afterwards, but here’s a basic rundown of what your first day will be like, should you choose to try it out.
8:30am: A pretty little box from Jrink Juicery (highly recommended if you’re in the DC-area) is on my doorstep. This is basically like Christmas morning! I attempt to pick the box up. It weighs a million pounds. It’s too early for this. How will I survive? Wait, I haven’t even started the cleanse yet. Buck the fuck up, Trimber.
8:32am: Holy shit. This cleanse requires you to drink six 16-oz bottles of juice per day. That’s like, soooo much liquid. I’m going to be so full my body won’t know what to do with itself!
8:40am: Okay, the fridge is stocked and honestly really pretty. I feel super healthy just looking at my fridge full of juices.
8:42am: I’m drinking the first one now. It’s a green juice. Not too bad. Tastes pretty good, actually. I’m gonna rock this.
10:36am: My stomach just audibly growled. It was so loud that my cat was sitting next to me, but jumped off the couch because she was scared.
10:38am: I miss coffee.
10:43am: I almost just puked. But I’m not entirely sure whether it’s because I’m hungry or because I’m going through a severe caffeine withdrawal. Why do I drink so much coffee again??
11:17am: I’m so hungry I just took an inventory of the fruit bowl. I’ve never been so enticed by an orange in my life.
12:06pm: Oh boy, my digestive track is getting a little wild. Storm’s a-brewin. Thank God I work from home so no one will hear all of my farts. Except the cat. She’s judging again.
12:18pm: I’m so faded and lightheaded. I actually feel kind of stoned. It’s sort of cool, but also kind of terrible.
1:12pm: INTESTINAL DISTRESS! I feel like a disgusting human, taking trips to the bathroom every 10 minutes. Christ. But on the bright side, all this increased time on the toilet has put me more in touch with my Tinder. Maybe I’ll schedule some dates for next week.
1:45pm: What if my teeth fall out from lack of use? What will I tell people if that happens? I should definitely eat something. For the sake of having strong, healthy teeth. Yes, that’s what I should do.
2:15pm: I just casually sniffed a bag of coffee beans, in the hopes of somehow becoming caffeinated through their aroma.
3:00pm: I’ve been staring at a blank Word document for 45 minutes. Someone please send help.
4:00pm: Oh shit, I forgot my dad’s birthday dinner is tonight. At a restaurant. That has food. That I can’t eat. Fuck.
4:43pm: Just tried to open my fifth juice of the day, a.k.a. “dinner” but I couldn’t open it because I am physically that weak. Just shouted “For fuck’s sake!” at the top of my lungs. The neighbors might have heard.
5:30pm: My family is really weirded out by my presence right now. I’m so delirious I can’t stop talking. Literally. I just talked for five minutes straight. Specifically, about the consistency of my poops (which is not ideal, btw). Was that juice actually a weed tincture and I didn’t know? Oh god, oh god, please shut up!!
7:05pm: Wait, I actually feel kind of good?
7:07pm: Just kidding.
9:05pm: I just farted but I’m kind of worried I actually pooped.
10:00pm: Okay, last juice of the day. This one is pretty baller. It’s basically freshly pressed almond milk blended with some kale. Still green, but still delicious. The perfect way to end the day.
Needless to say, I slept pretty well that night. The following two days of the cleanse surprisingly weren’t terrible. This could be because my stomach shrunk from its normal size of a small human child to the size of a pea in one day, but hey, whatever works. If you ever decide to do a juice cleanse, I will support you. If you don't ever want to do a juice cleanse, I will also support you.