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10 Things People Should Stop Saying to Vegetarians

vegetarian

Twenty years ago, I became a vegetarian at the ripe age of 10. Over the years, whether at school, work, or a party, my diet has come up and people say the same exact things. Now, enough is enough and there are 10 things I’d love to stop hearing.

“Don’t you miss meat?”

I wasn’t kidnapped and forced into vegetarianism like some weirdo cult. I miss being able to look at menus in full, sure, but I certainly don’t miss eating meat. That’s why I dedicated my life to avoiding meat, which is why we’re having this conversation in the first place. Keep up.

“I could never give up meat. It’s so delicious.”

Then, don’t. Did you think you’d be forced to take on my lifestyle? I’m aware meat is generally terrific to eat. Almost every restaurant seems to serve it. But to me, that’s a dead carcass you just slammed on the table, you maniac.

“But that’s why animals are here.”

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OK, you’re making an insane leap in logic, since that’s assuming I believe in a god, which I don’t. I don’t think animals were put here to be corralled, hucked into a shredder, and then have their severed bodies served up like edible inanimate objects. Also, do you really wanna have a Bible debate in this casual conversation?

“Would you eat meat if…?”

This isn’t a game show. This set of beliefs is the closest thing I have to a religion. Does your Meat Militia award you a medal for every vegetarian you get to admit they’d eat meat in a hypothetical? Bruh, if we were stranded in the mountains, I’d eat you before some animal. At least the animal doesn’t ask me dumb questions.

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“How is it all that different from eating plants?”

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This one takes some gusto to ask, because it makes me think you have a learning disability. Have you ever looked at a head of lettuce and a cow and thought, “Oh, they’re practically the same thing?” Like you really care about those “poor onions;” you just ate the body of someone’s mom.

“What would you do if I tricked you into eating meat?”

Honestly, we’d stop being friends. I’m not kidding. That’s the end. Also, what kind of casual lunatic threat is this anyway? What sort of oddball villainous crap are you into?

“How do you get protein?”

Dude, meat is not the only source of protein in the world. I’m 6’4”. I obviously figured out how to get protein. Even if this is an honest question, I’ve answered it at least 100 times and it always sounds like you don’t trust me to take care of myself.

“As long as you’re not a vegan. Ugh.”

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Meateaters, as a whole, are way more “this should be your lifestyle” than vegans. Sure, it’s a numbers game, but I’ve had one conversation another with carnivores where, within minutes, they complain about the preachiness of vegans (usually based off the internet) and then lecture me about vegetarianism. Your lack of self-awareness is disturbing.

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“We can’t go there because of the vegetarian. *eye roll*”

First off, it’s 2015. I can find a tasty salad almost anywhere, and it’s likely they have several dishes dedicated to vegetarians anyway. Secondly, that restaurant isn’t going anywhere. You can probably eat there another night. Third, you’re being so obnoxious.

“There’s meat in it! *snicker*”

This. Stupid. Joke. I’ve heard it from day one. “Don’t eat that bread. It has meat in it!” Oh, damn, did some edgy comedian just step into the room with a joke I heard entire playgrounds make back in the ‘90s? Cool. Tell me a redneck joke while we’re here basking in your hilarity.