“I want to get a hooker tonight.” That’s how it all started as my friend Rudy and I waited for our bags in the Las Vegas airport a few days back.

Shocked by my sudden inquiry for hired affection and company, Rudy burst out into laughter at my request. I was serious. Very serious.

It’s not what you’re thinking though, I kinda just wanted to eat with her, have her come to the room and grab dinner with us. I tried to assure my sexual deviant of a friend that I just wanted to get the inside scoop on Vegas nightlife from someone who is Vegas nightlife.

When reality set in, Rudy pulled out a rolodex of contacts we could hit up in the city, but the trick was finding someone who would agree to be on camera.

While Rudy hit the phone lines, I did a little research on the cab ride from the airport to the hotel. I quickly found out that while Nevada is the only US state to have legalized prostitution through specific brothels, it is limited to counties with a population of less than 400,000. In the case of Las Vegas and its mother county of Clark, prostitution is not legal in the City of Sin. Of course, reading that made us nervous as hell.

We knew we weren’t eliciting prostitution, but the stress from our search for companionship was still there all-the-same.

To our luck and Rudy’s list of contacts helping us navigate the city, we found a friend in Lisa, a “dancer” and an excellent conversationalist. Thanks to her time and expertise in all things sex, this is what we learned from her:

Using food to masturbate

We’re all adults here. When you’re home alone and feeling some type of way, sometimes you have to get creative. That means cucumbers, squashes, eggplants or a warm apple pie are all fair game.

Eating Food Off Someone

Eating whipped cream off someone was probably really edgy in the 70s, but we’re the generation that’s supposed to give zero fucks. Screw the chocolate syrup and get some creamed corn on there. Hell, if you want to eat some mushroom ravioli off someone’s belly button, have at it.

Though it’s probably best to avoid something high in fiber, especially if you plan on doing butt stuff later that night.

Gentlemen’s Clubs vs. Strip Clubs

Bet you didn’t know that the biggest difference between a gentlemen’s club and a strip club is its food quality. Gentlemen’s clubs are more likely to be a high end experience with giant steaks and VIP rooms.

Pro Tip: Gentlemen’s Clubs usually pride themselves as steakhouses. That means they’ll show up on your card statement as a steakhouse. That might play better when the wife asks what you did in Vegas all weekend and you don’t want her to see something like “Pussy Popper’s Strip Club” traced back to you.