What Your Sandwich Choice Says About You
Much like your choice drink at a bar, your sandwich preference can say a lot about the kind of human being you are. What you order at the deli is one of the biggest GMDs (Grown Man Decisions) you’ll face, so we gathered data from countless lunches to bring you a breakdown of what your sandwich choice says about you.
Hint: Drop that vegetarian/salad-in-a-sandwich nonsense before we rip it out of your cold dead hands.
You’re a simple gal/guy with simple needs. You know what you like and nobody’s gonna tell you different. Even if that means getting three measly slices of bacon on top of a sad bed of lettuce and tomatoes. You also don’t own a cellphone or use the internet because the NSA ain’t got nothing on you.
You might be vegetarian, you also might just think that this is the comparable middle-ground of ordering a salad and leaving starved, or ordering a full-blown sandwich and being in a food coma. In the end, you’re still eating a salad in a sandwich.
You first saw flatbreads in a Subway commercial and now you think they’re the shit. You also secretly think they’re “exotic” and are addicted to fruit snacks.
You fancy son of a gun. Regular sliced bread is an affront to you, ciabatta and baguettes are the only acceptable ways to eat a sandwich. However, if they arrive in any way other than lightly toasted, you’re done and will probably flip the table on that poor waiter.
You’re at least 50 and smoke two packs of Chesterfields a day. You’re a melancholy fella in an endearing sort of way and own a grizzly old cat named “Jameson.”
You’re convinced grilled cheese is the Pabst beer of sandwiches… So you order it all the damn time in various “artisan” forms, aka Mac n Cheese, Gruyere and Mushrooms, etc. You always wear a bowtie, suspenders and pretend to read Nietzsche while loitering in coffee shops.
You run 3 miles every day and afterwards congratulate yourself with a tuna sandwich and a bottle of Gatorade. You know all the mayo and canned tinniness probably packs an ungodly amount of sodium, fat and calories but consider all that “healthy fat” or whatever they call it.
You’re lowkey trying to be healthy but your parents packed tuna sandwiches in your lunch every day for school. All the kids made fun of you since it smelled like socks and now you’re traumatized. So you reason that chicken is basically fish that can’t swim and therefore, healthy-ish.
Egg Salad Sandwich
You’re friends with the person who orders vegetarian sandwiches and they’re the type of person who also gets upset when you eat meat around them. You’re a good pal, but know they’re insane, so you order egg salad sandwiches to compensate.
You are a MAN’S MAN MAN and eat all your meals with a shot of whiskey paired with a cigar. You’re known for flipping families off when they give you funny looks. Small animals are terrified of you.
You love the outdoors and only wear flannel shirts while scoffing at hipsters and their inferior Urban Outfitters versions. You’re also capable of growing a full beard within 24 hours and are secretly a bear cub.
You’re a kid at heart and there’s a Star Wars Lego set stashed far away from the judging eyes of your significant other.
Ham and Cheese
You use words like “bee’s knees” and “neato.” You cut all your sandwiches into petite mini bites and serve them on silver platters when guests come over. You also drink a bottle of wine a day and are known to hog the karaoke machine at parties.
You like to take long naps during the day while simultaneously eating cheese puffs off the floor. Your boss thinks this is a problem, but you’re too busy watching Everybody Loves Raymond at your cubicle to hear him.
Ice Cream Sandwich
Goddamnit. This is why we can’t have nice things. You’re the awful person who tries to order a cupcake at Italian restaurants.
Photo taken by Peter Pham
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