Today I Learned – Cap’n Crunch is a Liar and a Fraud

capn-cru

My whole life has just been shattered into a pile of stale cereal crumbs.

Seriously, guys. Your design team had one job. You couldn’t have at least gotten the old man’s uniform right? Now, adults and children alike are lamenting the fact that the cheery Santa Claus in a blue Napoleon hat is really just a big, fat LIAR. Yes, my fellow Foodbeasts, the “Cap’n” is really just  a “Commander” in disguise.

If you haven’t already, peep the photo above, and note the disparity between the stripes of a captain and those of a commander. Now check out the stripes on Cap’n Crunch’s wrists. One. Two. Three . . . Ugh.

Next you’re going to tell me that Tony the Tiger is really a cranky bald man in a cat suit, or something equally horrifying.

My only solace is that he goes by “Cap’n” Crunch instead of  ”Captain.” Still, I’m a little heartbroken over here.

P.S

It’s most likely that the Cap’n only has three stripes because he’s a French “Capitaine de frégate” and they technically only have three yellow stripes. Although, that still translates to “Commander” in English . . . and doesn’t explain why he doesn’t speak a lick of le français.

PicThx imgur



Charisma has an undying love for gritty literature and drinks coffee like water. She also hails from Toronto, Canada and is a die-hard Maple Leafs fan, sigh.



In this article:
  • Allen Bennett

    If he is charge of ship he still is “Captain”. Many Captains of ships are not the rank of Captain.

  • Mike

    That’s because they aren’t allowed to use the exact image. Look at every movie about the military or involving the military. Every uniform that someone is wearing has something wrong with it.

    • John

      Not true. The uniforms in Crimson Tide are very accurate. There are no laws stating that uniforms are sacrosanct to be accurately shown in movies.

  • Anonymous

    Somehow, I think you’ll get over it. I know I did.

    • Charisma Madarang

      My dear fellow, one can only hope

  • Tom W

    Uh…actually, Tony the Tiger IS a cranky old man, at least in my area (I’m a costumed character performer, and i fit the bill!)

  • Tom W

    No! No! You’re wrong about the French thing, probably because you’re too your to remember. Capn Crunch had a rival named Jean LeFoot. He was a French accented Captain who had terrible cereal that turned to mush when milk hit it. Later on, quaker did have a short-lived real cereal with Jean LeFoot as the mascot. Anyway, Capn Crunch and Jean LeFoot were CLEARLY enemies and not in the same navy. So there!

    (But then again…you do have to wonder about this: Old grown men luring kids onto their ships with bowls of sweet cereal. Creepy!)

    • Charisma Madarang

      Sacré Bleu! Shoot, Jean LeFoot isn’t half the man the Cap’n is (even if the Cap’n is just Santa Claus in a blue hat).

    • cital712013

      so true, I remember jean lefoot many moons ago

      • SackScracher

        i remember your mom and sister very well from many moons ago.

        • cital712013

          you are such a F A G number 1 I do not have a sister and number 2 you have to be a real man like my father unlike you we all know by your id name you love the POLE

          • SackScracher

            if that’s what you think that means run with it. Your mom likes my pole and you might be one of my offspring. A test will tell my friend we all know how she was. I understand your anger cause I left your ugly azz when you were born. Now cry little girl.

          • cital712013

            first your id was littleyellowbusrider and then changed to sackscratcher well we all know why you changed it to sackscratcher giving everyone a hit hmmmmm
            do you have your HOA President aka master and daddy permission to troll tonight?
            I know you are full of it you are such a girly man

          • eatMyBu_ttocks

            We all know you raped your dad and it was NOT the other way around. That is why he is no longer with us.

          • cital712013

            6TH STRIKE NOT EVERYONE’S FAMILY IS LIKE YOUR AND THE REST OF Q TIPS PEEPS

          • eatMyBu_ttocks

            gave the old man your hiv i see

          • cital712013

            YOU ARE REALLY INTO FETISH SOUNDS LIKE YOU NEED HELP
            FORMER ID NAMES LITTLEYELLOWBUSRIDER, SACKSCRACHER AND NOW EATMYBU__TTOCKS, ALL HOMOSEXUAL FETISHES

          • eatMyBu_ttocks

            if that is what you want to think then ride with it, maybe you want it to be that way so bad for a reason. I am not gay nor do I have a problem with them unlike you. You seem to have a big problem with them.

          • cital712013

            former id name sackscracher and now eatMyBu_ttocks gay notions along with your incest fetish

          • eatMyBu_ttocks

            go ask your mom and sister if I am g_ay. I can show you the pictures of our gang bang if you would like. Your mom and sister had mucho fun.

          • cital712013

            you are g_ay it’s ok to come out of the closet your brutha Obama said so
            no sister at all if you can read troll go ask your hoa president to solve all your fantasy’s other than his

          • eatMyBu_ttocks

            seem to love that g_ay word. Are you g_ay seeing you like it so. Your a little natzi g_ay jew.

          • cital712013

            names you have used such as sackscracher and now eatmybu_ttocks are symptoms

            of the subconscious mind

            psychology research shows on scientific fact that those who are pointing fingers of incest so on and so forth as you claim, are in fact guilty of the acts of homosexual incest

            all signs of the sub conscience level please seek mental help for this and for you pms attacks sounds like also you are on the rag

          • eatMyBu_ttocks

            ok k_k_K jew boy off to your brotherhood now. Don’t let them find out about you and your pops.

          • cital712013

            I am part of indian tribe cannot be in kkk , run before immigration catch up to you

          • eatMyBu_ttocks

            ya right… Run before I jack your land, AGAIN!

          • cital712013

            blah blah blah that’s all your kind is all mouth and no show

          • dragging canoe

            jews can never be kkk, you are such an idiot
            oh remember when I f-cked your ole lady infront of you as you cried begging her to stop she then flipped you off and told you off how small you really are and a big c-ck is fu-king her and even called you her little b!tch

          • cital712013

            mucho , oh so your an illegal immigration will be checking your status

          • dragging canoe

            is this what happened to you in prison, cry because your husband bubba gave you aids and when you were pimped out to you inbreed dad you got him infected

  • http://www.thedudeofthehouse.com/ Jay – Dude of the House

    Come on! Next you’re going to tell me that Cap’n Crunch’s “Oops! All Berries” cereal wasn’t actually produced accidentally.

    • Fred hgggg

      hahahaha

    • Anonymous

      …. or that the berries aren’t all that berry-esque, right? :)

  • Jim Pulizzi

    Allen Bennett is right…as a former Navy man myself I learned through the years that many commanders are called “captain” because they command a vessel or shore station. It is not only a rank but a position…and obviously Cap’n Crunch commands cereal like a boss even at the rank of commander!

  • Anonymous

    Maybe they should start calling it “Skipper Crunch” instead of Cap’n? That said, he could command a boat as a Commander and would still be called Captain so he’s good to go. Morning meals returned to their former glory (let’s just hope he’s not faking a Purple Heart).

  • Kyle

    Should call him “Pirate Crunch” Wayyyy cooler.

  • Zach Peterson

    You should probably credit Reddit if you’re going to steal from them.

  • XiaoXiong

    He’s captain of a destroyer. Ever notice the damage done to the roof of your mouth when you eat that stuff? Skin hanging in shreds.

    • David Danger Nesbitt

      +1 this made me laugh out loud

    • james ogden

      maybe you should try it with milk…

  • Jason Troy

    I always knew he was a fucking fraud I just didn’t have enough to go on as a child.

  • Xavier Ramos Santoni

    Ohh men im still drunk….

  • http://www.facebook.com/jeff.aziz.5 Jeff Aziz

    He’s still my Skipper! And the maple Leafs Suck! Go Bruins!

  • PFC Loveless

    I thought stripes on one side of the arm was years in service each stripe being three years or something around there and the other arm was the amount of full deployments that’s what I was taught by a prior service navy seaman during my army basic training

    • mike

      Not for officers. But Mr. Crunch isn’t wearing anything close to a US Navy uniform, so it really doesn’t matter what rank he is, he’s not very important.

    • coldshot1723 .

      Army basic training? That explains it. They weren’t even close, man.

  • http://pop-pr.blogspot.com Jeremy Pepper

    Do pirates have stripes?

  • legowife

    Captain is actually correct. At least in the traditional British system (not so sure on modern day), a Commander or ‘Master and Commander’ is also called a Captain. The next rank up is Post-Captain who were eligible to move up automatically in the navy list over time whereas a Master and Commander had to distinguish themselves and earn the Post-Captain promotion. So in either case Captain would be correct.

  • Marco

    As I always say people has tooooo much time on there hands! For heavens sake it a cartoon character/box of cereal SMH

    • Anonymous

      I think you’re missing the joke here. Have you not seen some of the classic arguments at the bar on “Cheers?” They’d argue about anything for laughs — which superhero would beat up the other, Wilma or Betty, etc.

    • Anonymous

      I hate people that say that any time other people do something meticulous or creative. It’s like you’re just jealous. Or do you seriously work 18 hour days 7 days a week? I have to imagine you jack off at some point. Usually people that say this are far lazier and all this “too much time” is really a labor of love people make time for.

  • Anonymous

    He’s in a very early version of Starfleet.

  • Anonymous

    WHO CARES

  • Robert

    What’s next? Crunchberries aren’t really berries? C’MON!

  • Anonymous

    Hmm. bad form. At no time does he
    claim to be a ranking officer. The stripes on the cuff of his tunic do
    not prescribe him as an officer in any navy. Officers cuffs do not represent rank. Did you ever think that
    he could be a captain of his own private vessel? At which point he could
    be captain. Even though his cereal title is Cap’n. Which means he is
    humbling himself before people deserving of such title. Also, he could
    be a Commodore. Which is highest rank but also he could be the president
    of a private yacht club. Which then he could colloquially be referred
    to as Captain…or Cap’n. Do research, Charisma. You just publicly defamed a prized and treasured pop culture character.

  • Guest

    Hmm. bad form. At no time does he
    claim to be a ranking officer. The stripes on the cuff of his tunic do
    not prescribe him as an officer in any navy. Did you ever stop to think that
    he could be a captain of his own private vessel? At which point he would
    be captain. Even though his cereal title is Cap’n. Which means he is
    humbling himself before people deserving of such title. Also, he could
    be a Commodore. Which is highest rank but also he could be the president
    of a private yacht club. Which then he could colloquially be referred
    to as Captain…or Cap’n. Do research, Charisma. You just publicly defamed a prized and treasured pop culture character. and stop deleting my comments.

  • Anonymous

    …And it’s called a Bicorne not a “Napoleon hat”.

  • Sam

    last time I checked the stripes on the sleve was time in service ie. each stripe is 4 years of service. your example although true would go on the shoulder not the sleve. so Capt. Crunch could very well be a captian just one with less than 16 years of service

    • Anonymous

      The joke is referring to US Navy stripes, four on the sleeve is a Captain. You’d see them on their dress uniform. The shoulder board also has the stripes. US Navy officers don’t wear anything to signify how many years they’ve served. Enlisted sailors have service stripes on their dress uniforms, but those are not full circles, they are more like slashes —> / <—- slanted stripe with one for each 4 years. Four years is more significant a marking period for enlisted anyway because it represents a full enlistment term. Officers don't really have the same thing with their commissions.

    • coldshot1723 .

      Wrong, wrong, wrong ….

  • Anonymous

    Well, your name isn’t a name, either. So maybe people who are named silly things like Charisma shouldn’t throw stones — not to mention you like the Leafs, and they suck.

  • KaptKos

    Whomever is in charge of a U.S. Navy ship is called the Captain; you moron!

    Its not only a rank in the Navy, its a position.

    The highest ranking enlisted man (Boatwain’s Mate) could become Captain of a ship in the U.S. Navy
    if there’s no officers on board after an attack. Even if there are officers, they’d have to
    be a Line Officer so a medical doctor with the rank of Ensign wouldn’t even be able to
    become the Captain.

    • Anonymous

      There actually are Boatswain’s Mate captains in the Navy. Little harbor patrol boats used for Naval officer training are captained by BM chiefs and even first classes. They have speacially made smaller command pins than an officer captain wears.

  • WhoCares

    Useless drama. Cap’n Crunch has never claimed to be a commissioned US Naval Officer so your argument is a moot point anyway. Your lack of knowledge of the laws and customs of the sea is quite telling.

    Its BS that this ended up on CNN of all places.

  • Man Fan

    Commander Crunch sounds more bad ass.

  • Anonymous

    They actually were going to promote him but then they realized how bad Rear Admiral Crunch was going to sound.

  • reddit_defender

    you stole this from reddit.com, way to be unoriginal.

  • Anonymous

    Would neg you in real life.

  • WhoGvsAFq

    He’s an f’ing cartoon character on a cereal box, who gives a rats ass. You know there’s a problem with society as a whole when they care more about this than what’s going on in the real world around them.

  • Anonymous

    Too many people taking this too seriously. It’s just a joke. If you want to get super technical, he’s not even called a captain, he’s “Cap’n”, maybe it’s just a reference to his ridiculous hat.

  • Steve Moss

    He’s also got one fewer finger on each hand than humans do.
    Why not just chalk it up to a cartoon not being reality?

  • Debby Rising

    Slow day at the office?

  • Anonymous

    Easily amused |d|ots.

  • cital712013

    who cares it is just a cereal, find something else worth wild to bitch about
    if you want to be famous and name truly known then invent something save several peoples lives, fight for your country etc

  • coldshot1723 .

    I know your piece was written in humor but … You can be the rank of Lieutenant and still be a “Captain”. It’s not just a rank … it’s also a title.

    • coldshot1723 .

      Since you are SMOKIN’ HOT, I’ll give you a pass …

  • Corey

    Read the book Master and Commander, it is brought up that Commanders are called Captain by courtesy

  • Thane

    Why are you assuming he’s a naval officer? The blue of his uniform looks more like the blue of the RCAF than a blue-black that navy types generally wear.

    Assuming he’s Air Force, two stripes would mark him as a Captain; the three puts him at Lieutenant-Colonel. It’s possible they named the cereal after him when he was still subaltern to his current rank, and decided not to change the name (but updated the photo) upon his promotions.

    Accusing this air-force hero of being a liar… for shame!

  • Anonymous

    The commanding officer of ANY ship is called “Captain”.

  • Bob

    The rank is Capitaine as you stated BUT it doesn’t translate to commander it translates to Captain. The “Capitaine de Fregate” you translated is the French NAVY rank and it translate to “Captain of the Frigate.” Frigate is a class of a ship. Also Napoleon was Army so stop thinking of this as a navy theme, it’s designed after an old French Captain. Sad day when you can write and article bashing a company and have every fact in it wrong.