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In which Tabasco is a dapper, crotchety old gentleman and Sriracha is a hip and trendy cock.

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Okay folks, let’s rap. More precisely, let’s rap about Sriracha.

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Picthx NPR

 

Sriracha is one of those internet-famous things, like bacon and memes, that everyone knows about and has loved since – I dunno – FOREVER, but no one really remembers the origins of, nor can even imagine ever having lived without.

 

But I’m here to remind you that, yes, we did have something else. Some other source of fire and heat with which we could all brighten our days and fill our otherwise meaningless lives with joy and fulfillment.

 

That’s right, I’m talking about Tabasco.

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Picthx Tumblr

 

Remember it?

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Picthx Wattafukk

 

Slim, glass, respectably designed and brought to us by the fine gentlemen over at McIlhenny in Louisiana?

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Picthx Lucullent

 

Known for its cutting, vinegary-taste and its whopping 2,500 rating on the Scoville scale (about 50% the heat of a jalapeno, but still a good 300 points over Sriracha, thank you very much)?

Picthx Gif28

 

Yeah, well, while all you guys have been OBSESSING over Sriracha, making Sriracha porn videos and Sriracha underwear and Sriracha comic strips, Tabasco’s just sitting here, chilling, being better than Sriracha in almost every way, with literally no one giving it the attention it deserves.

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Picthx Nerdalicious

 

Well, enough is enough. “Open your brain tank brah, ‘cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge.”

 

For starters, Tabasco is a work of art.

Following the company’s century’s old tradition, the peppers used for Tabasco are handpicked, ground into mash and placed in oak aging barrels for up to three years. Then, once the peppers have adequately matured, the mash is strained, mixed with vinegar and left to age again for another month before finally being bottled. You see how careful and involved that process is? It’s practically the same as whiskey. Fancy-shmancy oak barrel whiskey!

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Picthx Elliot Bay

 

You know how Sriracha’s made? They just take a bunch of peppers and ground them all together, skin and all! In other words, this thing is literally just a hot mess.

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Blue Kale Road

 

And you know what else? That whole “Sriracha goes great with everything” thing? Who ever said that was a good thing? You know, we have names for people like that. Kiss asses. And brown noses.

 

You know who Tabasco is trying to impress?

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Picthx Lucullent

 

Nobody.

 

It knows it only goes well with tacos, eggs and oysters and guess what? It likes it that way.

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Picthx Caterer and Hotel Keeper

 

It doesn’t need to compromise its values just to please everyone else (except, okay, for that whole “we’re gonna make our own version of Sriracha” thing). But aside from that, totally steadfast. Tabasco is like the Walt Kowalski of hot sauces. It’s the Stairway to Heaven of spice.

 

I mean, yeah Sriracha tastes like “a delicious blessing flavored with the incandescent glow of a thousand dying suns,” and looks amazing when drizzled over macaroni and cheese.

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Picthx Tablespoon

 

And in salt form.

 

And on vegetables.

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Picthx Barbee Housewife

 

And heck, even over ice cream.

 

But Tabasco’s old (145 to be exact; at 33, Sriracha is a wee baby in its eyes).

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Picthx Nola

 

And . . . we need to respect our elders.

 

And what’s with that stupid rooster anyway, amirite?

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It’s not like the combination of garlic and spice even tastes that good.

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Pixthx Closet Cooking

 

And that kick of sweetness on top of Sriracha’s pasty, ketchup-y texture (especially when compared to Tabasco’s soupy, watered-down spice-vinegar swamp puddle of doom)? Totally overrated.

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. . .

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Picthx Olives for Dinner

 

. . .

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Picthx Rasamalasyia

 

. . .

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Yep, overrated.

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Picthx Savory Simple

 

. . .

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Picthx She Knows

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Picthx Pickled Plum

 

. . .

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Picthx From Away

 

 . . . Oh, shut up.

 

Lead Picthx Thisissambennett 

Dominique Zamora

Dominique would be a foodie if she had money to pay for food. For now, she gets by just looking at food photography, which results in at least one more starving journalism student every time Instagram breaks down.