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In which Tabasco is a dapper, crotchety old gentleman and Sriracha is a hip and trendy cock.

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Okay folks, let’s rap. More precisely, let’s rap about Sriracha.

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Sriracha is one of those internet-famous things, like bacon and memes, that everyone knows about and has loved since – I dunno – FOREVER, but no one really remembers the origins of, nor can even imagine ever having lived without.

 

But I’m here to remind you that, yes, we did have something else. Some other source of fire and heat with which we could all brighten our days and fill our otherwise meaningless lives with joy and fulfillment.

 

That’s right, I’m talking about Tabasco.

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Remember it?

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Slim, glass, respectably designed and brought to us by the fine gentlemen over at McIlhenny in Louisiana?

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Known for its cutting, vinegary-taste and its whopping 2,500 rating on the Scoville scale (about 50% the heat of a jalapeno, but still a good 300 points over Sriracha, thank you very much)?

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Yeah, well, while all you guys have been OBSESSING over Sriracha, making Sriracha porn videos and Sriracha underwear and Sriracha comic strips, Tabasco’s just sitting here, chilling, being better than Sriracha in almost every way, with literally no one giving it the attention it deserves.

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Well, enough is enough. “Open your brain tank brah, ‘cause here comes some premium 91 octane knowledge.”

 

For starters, Tabasco is a work of art.

Following the company’s century’s old tradition, the peppers used for Tabasco are handpicked, ground into mash and placed in oak aging barrels for up to three years. Then, once the peppers have adequately matured, the mash is strained, mixed with vinegar and left to age again for another month before finally being bottled. You see how careful and involved that process is? It’s practically the same as whiskey. Fancy-shmancy oak barrel whiskey!

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You know how Sriracha’s made? They just take a bunch of peppers and ground them all together, skin and all! In other words, this thing is literally just a hot mess.

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And you know what else? That whole “Sriracha goes great with everything” thing? Who ever said that was a good thing? You know, we have names for people like that. Kiss asses. And brown noses.

 

You know who Tabasco is trying to impress?

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Nobody.

 

It knows it only goes well with tacos, eggs and oysters and guess what? It likes it that way.

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It doesn’t need to compromise its values just to please everyone else (except, okay, for that whole “we’re gonna make our own version of Sriracha” thing). But aside from that, totally steadfast. Tabasco is like the Walt Kowalski of hot sauces. It’s the Stairway to Heaven of spice.

 

I mean, yeah Sriracha tastes like “a delicious blessing flavored with the incandescent glow of a thousand dying suns,” and looks amazing when drizzled over macaroni and cheese.

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And in salt form.

 

And on vegetables.

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And heck, even over ice cream.

 

But Tabasco’s old (145 to be exact; at 33, Sriracha is a wee baby in its eyes).

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And . . . we need to respect our elders.

 

And what’s with that stupid rooster anyway, amirite?

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It’s not like the combination of garlic and spice even tastes that good.

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And that kick of sweetness on top of Sriracha’s pasty, ketchup-y texture (especially when compared to Tabasco’s soupy, watered-down spice-vinegar swamp puddle of doom)? Totally overrated.

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Yep, overrated.

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 . . . Oh, shut up.

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Dominique Zamora

Dominique would be a foodie if she had money to pay for food. For now, she gets by just looking at food photography, which results in at least one more starving journalism student every time Instagram breaks down.