It's an age old debate which in truth reveals much more about a person than simple taste preference: Creamy or Chunky?

But the way I see it, it isn't really that much of a debate, and it really has only two possible outcomes. You can either enjoy peanut butter the way it's meant to be enjoyed (the very valid reasons for which are listed below). Or you can be terribly, terribly wrong.

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Creamy is smooth.

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It’s refined.

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It’s the kinda nut butter you’d be proud to take home to your parents.

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And spend long nights all snuggled up with by the fireplace, reading Ernest Hemingway and drinking Cabernet Sauvignon.

Recipe for Peanut Butter Pot de Crème with Red Wine Suicide here.

It isn’t lumpy or rough around the edges.

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And when it comes to sexy times, you just know it’d be a lot gentler than chunky would, in all the right ways.

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And speaking of sexy times, the name “Creamy” just sounds sexier.

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Try it with me for a sec.

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Creamy.

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Ooh, yeahh, creamyyy.

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OH MY GOD, CREEAAAMYYYYYY!

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Frankly, chunky peanut butter just can’t compare.

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It isn’t smooth, it isn’t refined, it isn’t even fully developed.

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It’s like someone was in the middle of making perfect, delicious, velvety-smooth butter and then decided—fuggit!--#YOLO

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And left all these awful, jagged pieces of peanut lying around.

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But the texture is what makes it delicious? Please. I mean, why don’t you just eat plain peanuts if you love the texture so damn much?

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Just look at those things.

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They look like measles.

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Or vomit chunks, ew.

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And I don’t want them anywhere near my precious peanut butter.

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Not to mention the fact chunky peanut butter is super anti-social and terrible at mixers.

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Or the completely-verified, completely-scientific fact that creamy is 78% less likely to kill you or break your teeth (probably).

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Plus, according to this guy, chunky peanut butter is for communists.

In sum, creamy peanut butter is the best kind of peanut butter, period.

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I rest my case. Court dismissed, bring in the dancing bananas.